Man vs. Wild - Urban Legend Series

Man vs. Wild is a favorite show of mine, however the survival techniques used by Bear Grylls are not that useful for an urbanite like me.  How many times have you needed survival tips while you were stranded in the Sahara, Scottish bogs, or Australian outback?  It hasn't happened to me yet but I am prepared if it ever does.  It would be far more useful to have an urban version of Man vs. Wild.  I could be your host, however the name Bear Bryant was already taken.

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In this episode, I will show you how to survive the menopausal woman.  Much like surviving in the wild, urban survival requires one to focus on 3 priorities - water, shelter and food in that order.  A man can live 10 days without food, but only a day without water.  Water is always your first priority, so I will show you how to take advantage of the menopausal woman's hot flashes to create a sweat still. 

First you will need to remove your boot lace which can serve as a wick to absorb and collect the sweat caused by menopausal hot flashes.  Simply wrap the lace around her arm or torso and place one end of the lace in a plastic bottle.  Be careful, it can get a bit slippy here.  Over the next few hours the sweat caused by the hot flashes will be collected by the lace and drip slowing into the bottle.  You can collect a pint or more of water per day using this technique.

With priority one accomplished, lets move on to priority two, shelter.  The biggest risk to your shelter is enraging the menopausal women and finding your belongings on the front porch.  You will never know when this danger is ready to strike, but here are a few tips.  If you hear a low pitched growl and stare into the blank eyes, do not make any sudden movements or speak.  Instead, slowly back away until you are no longer in her line of sight.   Anything can provoke an attack, so stay wary until the danger passes and you can rest assured to be sheltered this evening.

The final priority is food.  Carry out is your answer.  Whatever you do, don't ask what she is fixing for dinner tonight.  Your sense of smell is crucial here.  If you don't smell anything cooking, there probably isn't anything in the oven.  The smart survivalist will immediately ask what she wants you to get her for dinner tonight. 

That is the end of this episode.  I need to collect my things from the front porch.