Why I Hate Dogs

In August of 2009, I closed the debate on why cats are better than dogs. That masterpiece can be found here and here. The posting proved that sanity is defined by the intrinsic hatred of dogs. Why do I hate dogs you might ask? Great question. Because they are the lowest form of mammal. May I expand on my response?

Growing up I usually had canine pets. The first was a terrier mutt named Sparky. Sparky was an okay dog as dogs go. He was stupid as they all are, but a good friend as I grew up. When Sparky died, my parents decided they wanted to become dog breeders. The breed they chose was the poodle. A poodle is the lowest sub-species within the species. We had 4 of them at one time. There was Bridget, a large black female. Then Thumbelina (not an especially good dog name), a white small female. And then Ginger, and small apricot colored female. Pierre' came last. He was given to us by an Aunt and Uncle who knew better than to own poodles. My parents accepted the gift as a last piece in their breeder business plan.


The first problem with poodles is their high yappy index. A poodle will yap for any or no reason at all. Only Pomeranians and Chihuahuas yap more. But those breeds are much smaller so don't hurt your foot so much when you kick them. During my youth, a simple knock on the front door would bring on a maelstrom of yapping, dashing, darting dogs through the house. The second problem with poodles is their long curly hair. They must be groomed often and bathed regularly. This never happens, so poodles smell and often look ugly.

The poodle breed also has other issues that make them somewhat grotesque. Their eyes ooze a pinkish liquid that must be cleaned from their face. If this isn't enough of a mess, 3 female poodles in the house bring with it a special ooze and smell during their "season". And there are the poodle's "anal glands" that must be cleaned periodically (don't ask me how). These were the details you don't hear about when your parents decide they want to breed poodles.


So in summary, poodles are gross animals I compare to a cross between a sheep and a pig. My parents made the bad situation worse by keeping all 4 dogs in the house. They were trained to pee and poop on newspapers (the dogs, not my parents). The task of cleaning up the used newspaper and putting down fresh newspaper was given to ... you guessed it - me.

And then there was the time after I had moved away from home when my parents went on vacation and left me in charge of feeding and watering their menagerie. One afternoon I stopped by to fill the water and food dish and was surprised to find baby puppies littering the yard. It seems the old fat dog was more than just fat. This was long after my parents aspirations of becoming award-winning poodle breeders had faded, so the litter was only 8-10 mongrel pups. Several had already died, while others were scattered through out the yard. I did my best to round up the survivors and let the mother's instinct take over.


This episode scarred me for life. After thousands of dollars spent on therapy, I have come to terms with the uselessness of dogs and the insanity of those who like them. Dogs definitely drool.