Project Management

I once thought that I would like to get into project management. I was interested enough that I took a couple of courses in various aspects of the job. It seemed fairly easy. All you really do is define a list of tasks, assign each to a person with a due date, and then badger that person unmercifully until the task is done. Everything else is done by the project management software. I did not go into project management and am very happy I did not. The reasons are that executives are very eager to shoot the messenger. They will criticize the project manager for the failure of a team member to deliver. Additionally, project managers are always the first jobs let go when a company decides to reduce expenses.

Now I avoid project managers as much as possible. They are usually brain damaged from all the executive abuse they take, and do not think logically. Example #1. I was once called by a frantic project manager who was managing a 2 year project. The team was about one year into the list of tasks. The PM just realized that the task before the one I owned had overrun by 30 days. I needed 30 days to complete my work as negotiated at the beginning of the project. The PM was adamant that I must complete my work in 1 day so that she would have the project back on schedule. If I did not agree to complete in one day, she was going to "open a RED RISK assessment", as if that would compel me to hurry. She was shocked when I responded that she should open it.

"But don't you know what will happen next" she shrieked? "Your director and my director will receive the RED RISK assessment and we will be forced to ESCALATE on you". To her surprise I responded that was okay with me. I told her I would be happy to answer questions on how I was not prepared to compress 30 days of allotted schedule into a single day. I also would love to hear her answer why my task was the key when a year of tasks remained in the project's life.

She responded by asking how quickly I could complete the work. It was a Friday and I told her I could tell her next Monday. "How about Wednesday? she asked. "I am off on Monday and Tuesday". Amazing how unimportant it became once her vacation was in play. I avoided her much of the day on Wednesday. When she caught up to me I was able to shock her by informing her the work was done (I have a great team). I didn't even get a thank you. She simply marked off the task and moved on to the next poor slob on her list of tasks. But I had avoided the dreaded RED RISK assessment.

Example #2. A current project that requires software development by my team is managed by an especially dense PM. We have had repeated discussions that go like this: "If we get the requirements to you on the sixth, when can you deliver them?" How can I get him a date on developing something that has not been defined? We debate that point a few minutes, and I usually relent by providing a date that is excessively padded so that I can accommodate whatever requirements are delivered and we move on to the next task.

That discussion takes roughly the same direction. I am asked to provide a delivery date for a undefined task. By the end of this scheduling meeting, the PM realizes that the entire project will not deliver on time, so we "must find ways to compress the schedule". So we then revisit each task and he quizzes the task owner on why so much time is needed to deliver. This process become iterative until each task owner relents and commits to delivery of something on the date that makes the entire project plan on time.

Once the project managers "series of miracles" are defined, the project starts and delivery dates quickly become in jeopardy. The PM reports the slip to an executive, who demands the project get back on schedule. RED RISK assessments are opened. Escalations are made. Eventually scope is taken out of the project in order to get back on schedule. This process repeats one or two times. And finally, months late, only a shell of the expected deliverable is produced. The PM thanks everyone who contributed to the outcome and generates "Thank You" memos or awards. They are then assigned the next project to manage. This is today's "Dilbertesque" corporate culture.